ride it miss

I once had a patient in for pancreatitis, and his wife stayed for the whole stay. I don’t think she ever left the room or even knew there was a door to leave at any time. The first night, I gave them clear, concise “there is zero chance you’ll forget this” details on how the shift will go. I’m clearing up rounding now, I’ll be in around med pass with the nurse and assist with any bedtime routine (provide additional linens, wash cloth, whatever you don’t already have or need) and I will do vitals 10, 2, 6, like normal, other than that and rounding on you at the top of the hour all night, call me if you need anything. The night went pretty decent til 2am vitals, and I swear. I knocked nice and audibly, I announced myself “Hello Mr. and Mrs. (Insert name here) it’s *****, I just need to grab Mr. (Insert name here) ‘s vitals and check if you need anything.”

Not a peep, but I do hear a little rustling, like someone is adjusting in their chair or bed to see what the commotion is. So I announce myself again and enter.
NOPE! NOT JUST ADJUSTING THEMSELF!

Her clothes are off, on the floor, bedsheet strewn over top of them, and she is riding this man. They’re not making any sounds, so there is no way they didn’t just happen to not hear me. And as I’m closing the door, the wife turns her head around, locks eyes with me, and screams.

I TOLD YOU HORNY TOADS I’D BE HERE AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR FOR ROUNDS AND VITALS. SET A DAMN ALARM! Or better yet, since mister pancreatitis man is well enough to make babies in my clean, sanitary hospital bed, he’s good enough to go home and finish your session there.